It all comes down to family and friends, honestly. The beginning of finals week I got some scary and vague news. All I knew was that someone (I knew who) was in the hospital. Try focusing on tests and studying after that gets thrown at you. If you can focus when stuff like that happens, I applaud you. It's not how my brain works. I fall apart. My niece was going to arrive Wednesday (which she did, as you know). Basically, the only thing running through my head that week was that I needed to get home.
I went to talk to someone on campus that I trust and who helped me with my anxiety issues first semester. He sent me to the counselor on campus who suggested that I request my last final to be moved up so that I could leave to get home a day early. Even if it was only one day, that meant I wouldn't be falling apart alone for another day. So, I did. My professor helped me move my final to Thursday morning, and I was able to get home by 5 o'clock Thursday.
My family member was able to come home, my niece came home too, and we had a full house. There were 12 people in our house until that Sunday. Even though I needed to not be alone at school, being surrounded at home was overwhelming. I couldn't really handle being with people all the time, and so it got frustrating. I want to say everything with my family is okay, because physically we are all okay. I just can't say everything is okay, because the issues can't be resolved so easily.
The brain is a mysterious organ. It can do a lot of scary and amazing things. When your brain protects itself from harm, it can do a lot of different things. These things can change your entire life and I'd say my family learned that pretty well. It's going to be okay, and I think it will just take time and patience to really allow everyone to straighten things out.
Meanwhile, there have been issues with some friends and arguments that have been really hard to just move past. Again, names and details aren't allowed, so I'm just going to leave it at the fact that fighting with my friend, just makes everything else suck more. I'm sick of fighting. I've come to the conclusion that I've fought a lot of things, and I fight myself too much to keep fighting with the people who I'm supposed to enjoy my time with. I'm tired of fighting, and I'm just.. listening to the voice of reason who tells me to just stop expecting much else. I fought that voice of reason (person) because I felt like that was wrong. I thought that it was going to hurt more to realize that I have to. And, it does. But, maybe it'll hurt less in the long run. I don't want to hurt.
There's a lot that I'm leaving out.. and I have to. I have to leave it out because I can't really do anything about it anyways. I think that's why I'm frustrated and angry and wanting to just explode. There's nothing I can do to change anything. I can't do a damn thing to change anything. I can recognize this, and that should be enough. I should be able to accept that I can't do anything about anything.. but I can't. It still sucks. It sucks a lot.
I'm angry. I'm scared. I'm sad. I'm frustrated. I don't know what else I can say. I don't know what to do or say or how to fix anything. I need that. I need to be able to know what to do and how to fix things. While I know I can't do anything.. that doesn't change that I need to to fix it. I can't just leave it be. My brain doesn't work like that. My brain tells me that I'm not doing enough. I need to do something and help, and when I can't, it just makes me feel bad. I don't do stupid stuff when I feel bad. I just let it all build up and then I let myself cry and then I can be okay.. but I still feel bad.
The worst part.. for me right now, is that I'm frustrated with God. I feel like he's throwing all of this crap at my family, my friends and I, and I'm just tired of it. I want a break. I want things to be good for awhile, because I can't remember a month when nothing bad has happened. I need a solid good month, because I need proof that things can be better. I need proof that God is there and that these tests and obstacles come with some kind of reward. Right now, the light at the end of my tunnel is flickering. I just need it to stay on for a month. I need to be able to recover from all the crap that this month sent this way, so that I can be ready for the next time the light flickers.
No comments:
Post a Comment