Goodbye

Home is the place we want to be when we're anywhere else.. but when we're stuck at home we'd like to be anywhere but. 

I leave for vacation in the morning/early afternoon. I'm extremely excited and ready to head out of town and get away from the craziness of work, cars, full house of people... except that we're going out of town with all the crazies who live in the house... I guess I just find it funny. To escape the crazy we just move the crazy from a house in the suburbs to a house on a lake. But hey, whatever works?

I'm about to leave, and I'm rather sad. I'm going to miss the goodbyes for several very important people. I missed the goodbyes for several important people already. Work, crazy-house full of people, and being tired all joined forces to make the goodbyes fly right past me. There is one goodbye that I won't be missing, but I won't know how to say when it comes. I won't know what to say, and so this is what I can say.

So.. here are my goodbyes. I guess it's best on here since I'd cry in person (probably crying anyways).

To Name Twin:
I miss you already. I miss your crazy energy and your most reassuring hugs. I miss being able to tell you anything in the comfort of our Caribou while you drink your tea and I drink my coffee. I miss sitting by the fire and just unloading all of our baggage talking about family, boys, and school. I hope to get your glittery mail and stressed out (though non-stressed would be amazing too) Skype calls when nothing seems to be working right or our hair just isn't cooperating.

To Palokangasaurus:
I missed saying goodbye to this year with our rules for the school year. So, to replace the verbal rules, they're here. Written in stone.
1. No Dying (Duh.)
2. You have to get out of that apartment every once in awhile.
3. Make friends (Be Brave).
4. Skype me always. When you're bored, when you're studying, whenever.
I wish we saw each other more this summer. I miss your hugs and talking to you about everything. I miss biking with you and being able to just full out explode when even the littlest things make me mad. Internet and skyping is not the same, but obviously we have to settle for it. I miss you. Skyping today was fun, minus my crappy interwebs. We will talk again soon.

To Peaches:
I didn't want to let go when we were saying our half-goodbye. I didn't want to let go because I don't want to lose you again this year. We've worked so hard to get it back to normal that I'm so afraid it's going to go away again. I know we won't let it.. but that's my biggest fear. Is that we start to drift away. We will skype every Monday or whatever day works best. I am going to miss you so much. There's no one else who I can say every bitchy judgmental comment to, and there's no one I'd rather wander MOA or Burnsville Center with. Last night was a great way to end our summer, bubbles, music, and (you know..). I wish we were closer than 5 hours apart because when we're falling apart, the pillow in the lap and the brushing of hair is the best medicine. I want to be able to do that when you're freaking out about OChem and Biology. I want to be there, and not being able to is really hard. It's going to be really hard.

To my honeybee:
I won't say goodbye. I can't. We'll be just fine. We both know that. But, waking up alone and being far away when there's nothing I want more than your reassuring hugs or calming voice is going to make this semester very hard. All the butterflies when you squeeze my hand or whisper in my ear, they will be waiting restlessly for our weekends. The three hour drive between us will be the longest and most awaited drive each time we separate or come together. I already hate 35 because I know it's going to be what separates us. I'm not ready. I'm not even close to ready. I love you to the moon and back, but I will never say the word goodbye to you.  It's not goodbye.. it's just see you in a few weeks. 



I move into my apartment September 1st. You can expect more regular (either daily or every other day) postings. Until then, goodbye blog! Return to me in two weeks ;) 

Always,
H.Eilene

No Puppets

I went to church today. I went to church and really enjoyed it. You might not like this, if you're anti-religion, but maybe read it anyways. I'm not saying you have to agree or like it or even care.. but the message I heard today actually made me think. I'm not shoving my religion down your throat.. and you'll know that by the time you get down to the end.

Two questions that made our visiting priest decide to go to the seminary.

1. Why is there something when there could be NOTHING?
2. Why do I exist when I could not exist? 

He said he questioned these things in eleventh grade. That was the first thing that made me think. What the heck was I thinking about in eleventh grade?

Short list:

Boys (Jordan)

Colleges

AP Classes

Chores

Nail Polish

Shoes

I definitely wasn't weighing out huge theological questions with philosophical conversations over a cappuccino at Starbucks. I thought about which assignments I could ignore and still squeak by the next day. I thought about what I wanted to write for my next article for the paper.. but no. I didn't weigh out the questions of why we exist or why something is something instead of nothing.

He explained how the closest answer he got to why we exist is for love. God created us because he wanted us to love. We should love one another, love our neighbors, our brothers, our sisters, honour our fathers and mothers, and love our God. We exist to love. He explained that the greatest love we will ever know is the love of God, but it's something we have to find for ourselves. We SHOULD have doubt. We should as QUESTIONS. We should Doubt.

God did not create us to be puppets. He created us to love him. He wanted lovers not puppets. We were not created to blindly follow the paved path. We have to carve our own path by asking our questions, having our doubts and seeking the answers.


It was the first sermon since I've come home where I haven't really spaced out or been bored (I know that's pretty bad). It was the first time someone completely held my attention, and it's because for once I wasn't feeling alienated for having questions, doubts, or being unsure. It was the first time that I've been in a Catholic Church where my priest is saying, "It's okay to have doubts, because He made us so that we would."  I don't feel like a reject of the Church anymore.. because I'm not supposed to feel guilty that I have questions. Granted, I'm not so sure I'll ever get answers to my questions... but it's nice to know that it's okay to have them.

Sad Day Man

I had to say goodbye to the sweetest, most adorable and smartest girl in my class yesterday. I sincerely loved every minute of working with her. She would come in the morning and run straight for a hug, and then she'd help cleaning up toys, putting away books, and straightening the room. She loved to learn and do art and was soft spoken and kind. Saying goodbye was extremely sad. She gave me the biggest hug and whispered that she loves me. She said she hoped to see me next summer and that I was her favorite. I can't tell you how hard it was not to cry... and by that I mean, I actually started tearing up. Her mom was sweet and thanked me for giving her daughter a fun summer, apparently I was talked about a lot at home. If this is anywhere close to how I'm going to feel when I say goodbye to ALL of my kids I'm in big trouble!

My best friend left for school this morning and I didn't get to say goodbye. I miss you already bud!! See you on Skype.

Always,
H.Eilene

This week I have to say my goodbyes to my two best friends. I have to do the whole teary-eyed hug/last adventure thing, and I'm less than excited. I hate goodbyes. I'm trying to be okay with it, but I'm having a hard time this year.. like worse than last year.

merp.

I have to work tomorrow. I'm wicked excited to start the cowboy/cowgirl unit, which is gonna be super fun. BUT I'm not excited to wake up early. At. All.

Favorite song right now^^

Always,
H.Eilene

Summer Loving... disappearing so fast.

Summer is fading fast, and I'm feeling overcrowded, over-stressed, and over-anxious. This summer has been exhausting, to say the least. I've been loving my job, working with my preschoolers is extremely rewarding. It has its trying days.. or weeks, but days like today make me love my job. 
This week was tough. My kids decided to be more difficult than ever. I have one child who throws the biggest fits when something doesn't go the way he wants it to. He throws furniture around the room, kicks the walls and shelves and smashes his head into walls. This week he hit me with one of our wooden chairs as he flung it across the floor. I know it was an accident but it hurt really bad. Two of our younger preschoolers who are potty trained pooped on me. It was pretty funny when I got home and said I had a crappy day. That was the best I could do to turn it into a funny thing.. but honestly, I wanted to cry. 
Today was finally a good day. Our kids were quiet and friendly. They seemed happy and calm compared to the rest of the week. It was amazing. One of my favorite kids came in and was absolutely set on being my little sidekick. She hugged me a thousand times and told me I was her favorite teacher. She held onto my pocket (which is usually something we do to get our kids to behave... so I found it funny). All my kids insisted that I wore a princess hat that our other teacher made for me ALL day. I had to wear it to lunch (at Noodles and Co.) and all the way home. I know I could have taken it off as soon as I walked out to my car, but I felt guilty, so I wore it driving too. 
My grandma (GG) is officially in the totally assisted section of her assisted living home. She and my grandpa (Bumpa) have to be separate at night, because he lives in the more independent section of the building. She moved this week. It was really tough on my mom, but I can't say it was easy on any of us. I went to visit Monday with Jordan before she moved. She looked tired and old. I know that sounds sad, because she is old... and all that.. but she just didn't look like my grandma anymore. Then yesterday... I just couldn't handle it. She wasn't herself and my grandpa lost his patience with her and started yelling. 

I'm running out of summer.. and while I'm excited for my vacation in two weeks, that means I only have one left. I'm scared and going to miss home. As crazy as it sounds.
I'm going to miss my family. I'm going to miss Jordan. 
I have a feeling it's going to be a very hard year. 

I've liked this song lately on the radio. It's intense when you listen, but its pretty. 

Always,
H.Eilene