Dear 17 Year Old Me,

You had a lot of high expectations. You set the bar too high for yourself. Do you know that? Do you know how much easier college and the rest of high school would have been if you weren't so focused on trying to be perfect? If you had just paused for one second and realized that you had a problem... life would be a whole lot easier now.

Your fear of matching socks, it's not normal. You'll go see a doctor because you can't sleep from all those nightmares and the socks, and the other fifty irrational fears you have.. and she's going to laugh and call you crazy. But then you'll go see another one, and she'll take you seriously. She'll have your blood tested for thyroid issues, and she'll set you up with a person you can talk to. He'll give you a thousand coping mechanisms... that in four years won't work anymore.

You'll look at that list on your computer screen over and over again, you'll keep trying them but they won't help you. So you'll look for other things, because you don't want to be scared anymore. You'll yell at the boy who keeps trying to come up with options, because you want it to be fine. You want to be fine.

Stop wanting to be fine. Stop being mad  at yourself for the problems in your brain. For the love of everything... don't boycott your obsessive compulsive disorder... because that's just stupid and it sends your anxiety through the roof.

It's stupid. I realize how stupid it is, but everyday I get a little more angry at myself for setting myself up for this whole mess. I stress myself out by signing up for too much, taking on too many projects, and then I melt down. I'm learning that as you get older, as everyone that you used to be comfortable with grows up and move on... there are fewer people you want to melt down to. So.. sometimes I'm THAT person. You know, the one that has a complete mental breakdown at 3AM with no one to listen but my cat. It's embarrassing. Then, I wipe my face and remember that I set myself up for this when I got all crazy about being perfect, not making mistakes, not having to ask for help, not wanting to admit that I'm someone with issues.

Also, everyone has issues. So, we both need to be okay with having issues. It doesn't make us special, it makes us normal. Normal is what everyone wants, right?

Always,
20 Year Old Me.

Jose Luis Sanchez

I know I've made a few posts about this 14 year old boy, Jose Luis Sanchez. The boy who was so devoted to Christ that he endured the torture of the soles of his feet being cut off, walking through the town center, walking behind a horse towards his own grave with his bare feet having just been cut open, being shot, lying in the dirt. The boy who was so devoted to Christ that he would not say "Long live the Mexican Government", he was so devoted, that instead he continually repeated "Viva Cristo Rey". As he was lying in the dirt he drew a cross with his finger and then he died.

Viva Cristo Rey is a daily reminder to me of my call to follow Jesus, my call to be a witness of Christ.

Most people know that I have an acorn tattooed on my ankle as a reminder of what I come from. My last name is Oakes. Oak trees are strong, they are mighty, and they are incredibly beautiful. Oak trees are resilient. They come from little baby acorns. There's also this little plaque in my mom's kitchen that has an oak tree that says "Don't worry if your tasks are small and rewards are few, remember that the mighty oak was once a nut like you."  The acorn is important to me, it reminds me that there's always room to grow, always room to be stronger, try harder, there's always room to be more.. and it also reminds me of my roots. Where I came from, the people who got me to where I am. -- who knew a little acorn could mean so much? 

Now, I have this second tattoo. It's equally as inspiring to me, it is equally as important to me, but even more than that, I am humbled by this saying on my skin. I know that I will never be as strong in my faith as Jose Luis Sanchez was-- but this is a daily reminder to the strength that I can strive for, the confidence in my faith to stand up for what I believe in.  

H.Eilene

Spontaneous Planning..

Tuesday was a day of spontaneity and planning..

First of all: Class. That happened. I went, I learned, and I drove home.

On the way home I had a little chat with my sister regarding whether or not my hair was better long or short, because I have been debating cutting it short for a while--- basically just like every year--- but not wanting to regret my decision or  looking like I am 12.

She wouldn't tell me which was better. She DID tell me that because I wear my hair in a pony ALL THE TIME when it's long, I look more put together with short hair. I style it more when it's short because its as difficult to put it up as it is to do anything else.

So, I called up my other sister and asked if she cared if I went somewhere instead of having her cut it. She didn't AND gave me her best friend's salon's number, I called, and made an appointment for immediately that day.

I drove, she cut, WALAH (I'm not sure how you spell that...)

Short Hair. It happened.


In the midst of all this, Hannah T and I talked about a visit to see her in Duluth. I called Sarah, we agreed next weekend when I have the time off already... and BOOM. We're going. We leave Friday afternoon (Yes, Valentines Day... Sorry JT.)


Always,
H.Eilene


This whole spontaneous and happiness thing... it's kinda awesome.