Dear 17 Year Old Me,

You had a lot of high expectations. You set the bar too high for yourself. Do you know that? Do you know how much easier college and the rest of high school would have been if you weren't so focused on trying to be perfect? If you had just paused for one second and realized that you had a problem... life would be a whole lot easier now.

Your fear of matching socks, it's not normal. You'll go see a doctor because you can't sleep from all those nightmares and the socks, and the other fifty irrational fears you have.. and she's going to laugh and call you crazy. But then you'll go see another one, and she'll take you seriously. She'll have your blood tested for thyroid issues, and she'll set you up with a person you can talk to. He'll give you a thousand coping mechanisms... that in four years won't work anymore.

You'll look at that list on your computer screen over and over again, you'll keep trying them but they won't help you. So you'll look for other things, because you don't want to be scared anymore. You'll yell at the boy who keeps trying to come up with options, because you want it to be fine. You want to be fine.

Stop wanting to be fine. Stop being mad  at yourself for the problems in your brain. For the love of everything... don't boycott your obsessive compulsive disorder... because that's just stupid and it sends your anxiety through the roof.

It's stupid. I realize how stupid it is, but everyday I get a little more angry at myself for setting myself up for this whole mess. I stress myself out by signing up for too much, taking on too many projects, and then I melt down. I'm learning that as you get older, as everyone that you used to be comfortable with grows up and move on... there are fewer people you want to melt down to. So.. sometimes I'm THAT person. You know, the one that has a complete mental breakdown at 3AM with no one to listen but my cat. It's embarrassing. Then, I wipe my face and remember that I set myself up for this when I got all crazy about being perfect, not making mistakes, not having to ask for help, not wanting to admit that I'm someone with issues.

Also, everyone has issues. So, we both need to be okay with having issues. It doesn't make us special, it makes us normal. Normal is what everyone wants, right?

Always,
20 Year Old Me.