High Day, Low Day, and a Split Second Between

My Thursday:

Turning in a paper that I worked my butt off to complete (High)
Bombing a Quiz (Low)
Extremely Entertaining lecture (High)
Sunny Walk to Class #2  (High)
Distracted but fun lecture (High)
Discussing the next paper (Low)
ASL (High)
Meeting with my best friend and former Roomie (High)
Film Class (Surprisingly High)
Grades for Paper 1 Returned (Low.. Anxiety Spike)
Got an A (High)
Realization... first A all year (Plummet)
The rest of the night (disappointed in myself, angry, LOW)

Fuzzy Focus

The past few months, I feel like I've been moving around sort of like before I had glasses. Granted, I tend to forget to wear my glasses a lot, so that isn't so strange, but metaphorically. I feel like everything has been really blurry and out of focus. Both my school work and the rest of my life. I just feel like I'm wandering around reaching for walls and railings as though I couldn't see, squinting and trying to get a clearer picture because nothing quite made sense. 

Finally, I'm getting clarity. I'm seeing the positive. I'm seeing the light. I am seeing clearly. I'm not drowning. I'm not really being very successful right now.. but I can finally see where the trouble lies. 

I'm working towards a goal. My goal has been forgotten several times, and it took a reminder in the homily at mass this Sunday to give me back my metaphorical glasses. 

God loves ME. 

God loves me. He doesn't love what I'm doing, or where I'm going, he just loves me. I don't have to do anything special to earn it. I think that's what I keep forgetting the most. I don't have to earn his love. It's already mine. He loves me. 

I need to stop worrying so much about the little itty bitty things that I can't change, like the mistakes I've been making in school, or work, or any other aspect. I need to focus on the bigger picture. He loves me. He's not going to lead me astray. He's going to help me when he thinks I need it. 

It's clear to me where I've been failing the past six months: school, work, and social life.
I'm finally working on the social life part of things, work should be calming down, and NOW.. now that midterms are over and my grades reflect me crappy focus.. I gotta kick it into high gear and get focused. 

Always,
H.Eilene

My posts might be few and far between, because I really do need to focus on my schoolwork, but I'll do my best to update at least once a week. 

My old friend,

I keep wondering if you're in purgatory or in Heaven. I pray that you're in Heaven, because I have no idea what you'd be paying for in purgatory for this long, but I don't make that decision. So, I don't know. 

What kind of person thinks about that? I'll tell you what kind of person.. me. 

I'm the weird person who sits up at night talking to a guy about Catholicism, who asks why, the kind of person who doesn't have all the answers, and the kind of person who wishes it was easier. 

I've missed you. I've been wishing you were here, but I've been moving on. I forgot the sound of your voice, and I've started forgetting what you look like. It isn't emblazoned into my head anymore. I used to wish I could forget you. So it'd be easier, but now.. now I'd give anything for a picture of you, a smile, a laugh, or even just a second in your presence. I miss you. 

I'm supposed to be happy for you. Because you get to be a saint now. Not like St. Lucy or St. Michael, but you get to be in the presence of Jesus, and of all of my crazy Catholics (I say that with the utmost endearing tone)... that is seriously the only thing you ever wanted. I mean, you wanted a family, and marriage, and babies.. you wanted college and life, and everything.. but ultimately you wanted Heaven. You got there so early though. I just wish you could have had more of the earthly things you had wished for. 

I wish you could be here, selfishly, because I wish you were still here to talk to. I wish I could have run to you when my heart was broken, I wish I could call you up and tell you about the guy I like. I wish I could tell you about bowling and movies and soup and all the craziness. I wish I could tell you about the things going on in my world, and I wish there were things for you to tell me. 

You're gone. I've forgotten your voice, your smile, your face. I'll never forget your ridiculous laugh. I'll never forget the ridiculous times we had together.. The bunnies, the soccer games, the swimming, and the books. The endless books. 

I had a dream about you tonight, that's why I'm writing about you now. I had a dream we were in the same room. I don't remember your voice, but we were talking in ASL. I don't know that much, so our conversation was ridiculous and choppy and nonsense. But, you were there. We talked about the boy, we talked about the weather, the seasons, our families. It was short, and I woke up crying because I wanted more.

I miss you,

H.Eilene

My best friend died near the end of our senior year of high school. She lived far away, and I didn't want to talk about it. I still don't. But, time keeps passing and I feel her memory slipping away. Tonight, I woke up. My eyes were soaked with tears and my cheeks were dripping wet, and I just kept wishing to fall back asleep and see her one more time. But, I can't. She's gone. 

I pray she is in Heaven. I pray she's up there partying it up with Jesus. 

This is another one of those posts, where if you read it, I don't want to talk about it. I don't want elusive conversations trying to hint at it. Just click one of the boxes below, and I'll appreciate that you read it, and cared and even more so, I'll appreciate that you respected my space. 

IT'S APRIL. GO AWAY WINTER.

I took this last March. In Duluth we got a big snow storm. 

I'm expecting to be taking a new one this week... since Friday night we're supposed to have a few inches dumped on us.

LAME. 

For now, that's all. 

Only Human

Every time I hear this song.. well, I guess I should say everytime I heard that song I would laugh. The first line of the song is "I can hold my breath" and then "I can bite my tongue".. And all I could think is.. WHY?? Holding your breath is dumb, you're just going to pass out, and biting your tongue doesn't help anyone. It just hurts. 

I mean, obviously there's a figurative meaning to that-- biting your tongue is also holding something back, not saying something for whatever reason. 

Anyways, I could never get past those first two lines without laughing, and then I switch the station. Today, it hit me. I listened to the whole song. It wasn't some inspirational awakening, and it wasn't really a stupid love song-- but the next stanza even.. I get it. 

"I can fake a smile
I can force a laugh
I can dance and play the part.."

Then the titular line of the chorus

BUT I'M ONLY HUMAN.


I've been putting a big smile on, putting on a show. I keep saying it's fine, I'm fine, nothing gets to me. It's a load of crap and everyone who knows me knows better than to bug me til I crack. No one wants to see me crack. I don't like to crack. 

At the stoplight as I turned onto my street and this song blared through my radio I finally let loose the stream of tears I've been fighting for days. 

I'm only human. I fall apart. 

This week, I have plenty of things to be thankful for, but I also have plenty of things to be upset about. 

I'm upset:
- I got into an accident
- I'm doing poorly in school
- Graduation is delayed til next Spring
- I feel stuck
- I can't focus on any of my classes
- I work too much
- I keep failing to make God a priority
- I am out of shape
- I'm stressed
- I am struggling with both my OCD and my Anxiety Disorder

I'm allowed a day to be mad, to cry at my stop light, and I'm allowed to refuse to discuss this. I'm only human. I don't have to be strong or brave every single minute of every single day. 

-Hannah Eilene.