Only Human

Every time I hear this song.. well, I guess I should say everytime I heard that song I would laugh. The first line of the song is "I can hold my breath" and then "I can bite my tongue".. And all I could think is.. WHY?? Holding your breath is dumb, you're just going to pass out, and biting your tongue doesn't help anyone. It just hurts. 

I mean, obviously there's a figurative meaning to that-- biting your tongue is also holding something back, not saying something for whatever reason. 

Anyways, I could never get past those first two lines without laughing, and then I switch the station. Today, it hit me. I listened to the whole song. It wasn't some inspirational awakening, and it wasn't really a stupid love song-- but the next stanza even.. I get it. 

"I can fake a smile
I can force a laugh
I can dance and play the part.."

Then the titular line of the chorus

BUT I'M ONLY HUMAN.


I've been putting a big smile on, putting on a show. I keep saying it's fine, I'm fine, nothing gets to me. It's a load of crap and everyone who knows me knows better than to bug me til I crack. No one wants to see me crack. I don't like to crack. 

At the stoplight as I turned onto my street and this song blared through my radio I finally let loose the stream of tears I've been fighting for days. 

I'm only human. I fall apart. 

This week, I have plenty of things to be thankful for, but I also have plenty of things to be upset about. 

I'm upset:
- I got into an accident
- I'm doing poorly in school
- Graduation is delayed til next Spring
- I feel stuck
- I can't focus on any of my classes
- I work too much
- I keep failing to make God a priority
- I am out of shape
- I'm stressed
- I am struggling with both my OCD and my Anxiety Disorder

I'm allowed a day to be mad, to cry at my stop light, and I'm allowed to refuse to discuss this. I'm only human. I don't have to be strong or brave every single minute of every single day. 

-Hannah Eilene.