NEW BLOG ALERT

 I have decided to move to a new blog, so here's the link: 

Mindless Mindful Musings of a Lit Major

Always,
H.Eilene

High Day, Low Day, and a Split Second Between

My Thursday:

Turning in a paper that I worked my butt off to complete (High)
Bombing a Quiz (Low)
Extremely Entertaining lecture (High)
Sunny Walk to Class #2  (High)
Distracted but fun lecture (High)
Discussing the next paper (Low)
ASL (High)
Meeting with my best friend and former Roomie (High)
Film Class (Surprisingly High)
Grades for Paper 1 Returned (Low.. Anxiety Spike)
Got an A (High)
Realization... first A all year (Plummet)
The rest of the night (disappointed in myself, angry, LOW)

Fuzzy Focus

The past few months, I feel like I've been moving around sort of like before I had glasses. Granted, I tend to forget to wear my glasses a lot, so that isn't so strange, but metaphorically. I feel like everything has been really blurry and out of focus. Both my school work and the rest of my life. I just feel like I'm wandering around reaching for walls and railings as though I couldn't see, squinting and trying to get a clearer picture because nothing quite made sense. 

Finally, I'm getting clarity. I'm seeing the positive. I'm seeing the light. I am seeing clearly. I'm not drowning. I'm not really being very successful right now.. but I can finally see where the trouble lies. 

I'm working towards a goal. My goal has been forgotten several times, and it took a reminder in the homily at mass this Sunday to give me back my metaphorical glasses. 

God loves ME. 

God loves me. He doesn't love what I'm doing, or where I'm going, he just loves me. I don't have to do anything special to earn it. I think that's what I keep forgetting the most. I don't have to earn his love. It's already mine. He loves me. 

I need to stop worrying so much about the little itty bitty things that I can't change, like the mistakes I've been making in school, or work, or any other aspect. I need to focus on the bigger picture. He loves me. He's not going to lead me astray. He's going to help me when he thinks I need it. 

It's clear to me where I've been failing the past six months: school, work, and social life.
I'm finally working on the social life part of things, work should be calming down, and NOW.. now that midterms are over and my grades reflect me crappy focus.. I gotta kick it into high gear and get focused. 

Always,
H.Eilene

My posts might be few and far between, because I really do need to focus on my schoolwork, but I'll do my best to update at least once a week. 

My old friend,

I keep wondering if you're in purgatory or in Heaven. I pray that you're in Heaven, because I have no idea what you'd be paying for in purgatory for this long, but I don't make that decision. So, I don't know. 

What kind of person thinks about that? I'll tell you what kind of person.. me. 

I'm the weird person who sits up at night talking to a guy about Catholicism, who asks why, the kind of person who doesn't have all the answers, and the kind of person who wishes it was easier. 

I've missed you. I've been wishing you were here, but I've been moving on. I forgot the sound of your voice, and I've started forgetting what you look like. It isn't emblazoned into my head anymore. I used to wish I could forget you. So it'd be easier, but now.. now I'd give anything for a picture of you, a smile, a laugh, or even just a second in your presence. I miss you. 

I'm supposed to be happy for you. Because you get to be a saint now. Not like St. Lucy or St. Michael, but you get to be in the presence of Jesus, and of all of my crazy Catholics (I say that with the utmost endearing tone)... that is seriously the only thing you ever wanted. I mean, you wanted a family, and marriage, and babies.. you wanted college and life, and everything.. but ultimately you wanted Heaven. You got there so early though. I just wish you could have had more of the earthly things you had wished for. 

I wish you could be here, selfishly, because I wish you were still here to talk to. I wish I could have run to you when my heart was broken, I wish I could call you up and tell you about the guy I like. I wish I could tell you about bowling and movies and soup and all the craziness. I wish I could tell you about the things going on in my world, and I wish there were things for you to tell me. 

You're gone. I've forgotten your voice, your smile, your face. I'll never forget your ridiculous laugh. I'll never forget the ridiculous times we had together.. The bunnies, the soccer games, the swimming, and the books. The endless books. 

I had a dream about you tonight, that's why I'm writing about you now. I had a dream we were in the same room. I don't remember your voice, but we were talking in ASL. I don't know that much, so our conversation was ridiculous and choppy and nonsense. But, you were there. We talked about the boy, we talked about the weather, the seasons, our families. It was short, and I woke up crying because I wanted more.

I miss you,

H.Eilene

My best friend died near the end of our senior year of high school. She lived far away, and I didn't want to talk about it. I still don't. But, time keeps passing and I feel her memory slipping away. Tonight, I woke up. My eyes were soaked with tears and my cheeks were dripping wet, and I just kept wishing to fall back asleep and see her one more time. But, I can't. She's gone. 

I pray she is in Heaven. I pray she's up there partying it up with Jesus. 

This is another one of those posts, where if you read it, I don't want to talk about it. I don't want elusive conversations trying to hint at it. Just click one of the boxes below, and I'll appreciate that you read it, and cared and even more so, I'll appreciate that you respected my space. 

IT'S APRIL. GO AWAY WINTER.

I took this last March. In Duluth we got a big snow storm. 

I'm expecting to be taking a new one this week... since Friday night we're supposed to have a few inches dumped on us.

LAME. 

For now, that's all. 

Only Human

Every time I hear this song.. well, I guess I should say everytime I heard that song I would laugh. The first line of the song is "I can hold my breath" and then "I can bite my tongue".. And all I could think is.. WHY?? Holding your breath is dumb, you're just going to pass out, and biting your tongue doesn't help anyone. It just hurts. 

I mean, obviously there's a figurative meaning to that-- biting your tongue is also holding something back, not saying something for whatever reason. 

Anyways, I could never get past those first two lines without laughing, and then I switch the station. Today, it hit me. I listened to the whole song. It wasn't some inspirational awakening, and it wasn't really a stupid love song-- but the next stanza even.. I get it. 

"I can fake a smile
I can force a laugh
I can dance and play the part.."

Then the titular line of the chorus

BUT I'M ONLY HUMAN.


I've been putting a big smile on, putting on a show. I keep saying it's fine, I'm fine, nothing gets to me. It's a load of crap and everyone who knows me knows better than to bug me til I crack. No one wants to see me crack. I don't like to crack. 

At the stoplight as I turned onto my street and this song blared through my radio I finally let loose the stream of tears I've been fighting for days. 

I'm only human. I fall apart. 

This week, I have plenty of things to be thankful for, but I also have plenty of things to be upset about. 

I'm upset:
- I got into an accident
- I'm doing poorly in school
- Graduation is delayed til next Spring
- I feel stuck
- I can't focus on any of my classes
- I work too much
- I keep failing to make God a priority
- I am out of shape
- I'm stressed
- I am struggling with both my OCD and my Anxiety Disorder

I'm allowed a day to be mad, to cry at my stop light, and I'm allowed to refuse to discuss this. I'm only human. I don't have to be strong or brave every single minute of every single day. 

-Hannah Eilene.

Did you know?

There is a subreddit for writers that is for different kinds of writing prompts. Ready..Setty...Write!!

PROMPTS HERE
New goal: Write a short story using a prompt each week.
This week's is the following:

The sky is falling, and you're an old man.

Always, H.Eilene

PS I'd love to read if you feel compelled to write a story based on it. It's a good distraction.

Answered Prayers!!

CLICK HERE

Okay. 
So, click the link above after you read this post. 

A few months ago, my friend Bethanie came into ASL looking rather distraught. When she explained to me what was going on, I promised her I would pray my hardest. I asked a few of my friends to send up prayers as well, because.. well, because it didn't look good for her friend. 

Later that class period she received a call that he was going into an emergency surgery, she ran up to our professor and signed that she needed to leave immediately, forgetting that she had already asked me to give her a ride to her car because it was far away from our building. I ran out after her and drove her to her car, where she found her keys locked inside... so I drove her to her house where they were all meeting to go together to the hospital. 

That was back in October. 

Now, they finally know what caused Nick to get so sick, and thankfully, he's getting better. 

Now... go back and click that link. Read Nick's story. 

And then thank God and all the doctors who helped figure out what was killing him. This exciting and wonderful news was exactly what I needed today! 

Always, H.Eilene

Broken Up not Broken

Thank you Facebook. Just kidding. I kind of dislike Facebook today. Well, today is okay. Yesterday. Facebook has this lousy habit of telling people your business.. like when your relationship status changes before you have a chance to make it private... so your phone starts blasting with messages from all the people who you don't ACTUALLY want to talk to about your break up. I don't mean to sound rude, but really.. fifty messages asking if you're okay or if you need to/want to talk aren't what you want when something happens.

However, for the people I ignored and deleted messages from.. I'm okay. In fact, I think I can actually say that I'm okay and mean it. I'm sad, yes. But I'm happy that we ended as friends and not in a huge fight screaming. I'm glad we didn't lose our almost- 5 years of being friends.

That being said, No. I don't want to talk. But, I'm not broken. My relationship with J wasn't my whole life. I have a job, I have school, I have friends (most of them are long distance friends.. but still). I am a person.. I have always been a person, an individual person outside of being a girlfriend. I'm sad, because I care so very much about him, but really it wasn't his decision. It was mutual. Honestly. We both saw it coming, we both knew things had been off for quite awhile. It was just a matter of finally admitting it and calling TOD.

I'm happy to move forward. I'm excited to focus more energy on GRADUATING IN DECEMBER! WOOOOHOO!

But seriously, don't worry.

Always (AND STILL) H.Eilene

Epic Roommates of Awesomeness

YUM. Our male roommate Jeremy went out to the Buzz (a coffeeshop in Burnsville) to retrieve cold press for us this morning :)  Rockstar Roommate award goes to him today.


Yesterday, I went to the zoo and was greeted by this fellow. We both turned the corner at the same time.. we also both jump and were scared. He however, licked his lips as though I was a tasty treat for lunch.. Jerk. just kidding. I love him. He's handsome and so beautiful.

Taken Aback.

Dear Random Bus-Rider,
1. It was incredibly rude of you to grab my arm, rather abrasively, and accuse me of being one of the millions of selfish and horrible people who surrender themselves to God. 
2. I hope you feel satisfied, that while you were holding onto my arm the entire bus-full of people watched you yell at a Christian who stood there quietly taking in your words about hate and discrimination. 

I realize the angry person on the bus won't get to read this, but I have to let off my steam. It really erk-ed me. I'm standing, holding onto the rail on a campus connector on my way to ASL, and this girl grabs my arm and demands to know what my tattoo says. My wrist was barely uncovered. It was a warm day, so I had my sweatshirt pushed up part way up my forearm.. but.. let's be real here, we were on a college campus, at least fifteen other people on the rather full connector had exposed tattoos. 

I don't know who ticked off this girl, nor do I know what they said to make her hate everyone in the world who identifies as a Christian.. but I didn't personally say a single word to her prior to her grabbing hold of me, and even when I finally did speak.. it definitely wasn't anything that would make her hate Christians more. She demanded I tell her what it meant, so I did. I also asked her to please let go. My hand was tingling she was gripping it so tightly. She didn't, she just went off on me. Screaming. On a bus. 

I'm not a fan of big scenes, and I had a test to get to. So when she finished yelling, I told her I was very sorry she felt that way, and that I wish she'd please let go. I told her I would cover my tattoo if it would make her feel better, but that I really hadn't meant to offend her. 

It was really interesting being the day after Ash Wednesday. The start of Lent. I kept thinking to what the priest said at mass. The readings talked about how we should pray in private, instead of out on the street corners.. how we should be giving alms not for the approval of others, but to strengthen our own personal relationships with Christ.. And basically what it came down to was how it almost seemed a little ridiculous that we were going to be marked with the ashes because it was as if we were going out into the world shouting loud and proud "HEY LOOK AT ME, I'M CATHOLIC." 

It seems as though it is directly contradicting what we read.. but it's not. We don't go out into the world wearing the ashes trying to call attention to how awesome we are.. we're calling attention to the beautiful mercy of God. It has nothing to do with us. 

I explained a similar reason for getting my tattoo in a post right after I got it.. 

It doesn't serve as a stamp of my religion to label me. It reminds me how beautiful and strong God's love is. How beautiful his mercy looks on me. I don't mean that in a conceited kind of way. I mean it in the sense that I am thirty times more confident when I remember He is watching over me. When I remember that I can make a mess of myself a thousand times over and I will always have His love, it takes away the fear I have of falling to pieces. 

So, I let her have her yell. I have a policy when it comes to angry people. I let them be mad, I let them scream. I get it. I get being so angry about something that you just need to yell at somebody. I also get that I didn't do anything to this person. I didn't roll up my sleeve and shove my arm in her face. I didn't start throwing out Bible verses at her. I wasn't doing anything. I was riding the bus. Clearly, she needed a yell. I'm glad I could help her, even if it was a little out of place. 

I'm just going to put it out there.. if you ever need to talk, or yell, just call me. Or ask me. Please don't just grab onto my wrist and squeeze until my fingers go numb. I'd be happy to sit down with you and have coffee and let you air out your grievances.. really. 

My Inspiration for Smiles Today

I'm hoping for sunshine, warm air, and the beautiful rushing water of the Brule River... sometime in my near future.

My Inspiration for Positivity.
H.Eilene

"Sensitive" and "Caring"

Sensitive and Caring. My two biggest strengths. I am a sensitive person, I am capable of emotions. I feel things very deeply, and I take everything to heart. And, I care. I care about people, I care about my job, I care about relationships... I care so deeply that I don't walk away. I don't give up on things.. I care so much that it becomes one of my biggest downfalls. I admit that. I admit that I care too much and I can be too sensitive... BUT that doesn't mean I am willing to stop being caring or sensitive. 

I am also extremely self conscious. I don't like very many things about myself. I don't think of myself as pretty, I don't think I'm very intelligent, I get mediocre grades, I'm not confident.. except when I'm at Starbucks.. because for some reason.. that's the one place where I actually feel like I know something... I'm overly anxious, obsessive compulsive, and I'm generally not sure of anything. 

So.. if you don't feel pretty, smart, confident or capable... or anything positive.. waking up and looking at yourself in the mirror is hard. Waking up and functioning.. is hard. 

So, you find things about yourself you do like. I found mine. I'm sensitive and caring. I'm also patient, but honestly it ties with both of those. I am sensitive to how others feel.. which translates to being patient with how others choose to deal with their feelings... I care about relationships and people.. so I'm patient and keep pushing forward, I keep trying.. even when everyone tells me I should stop. 

But, I'm sensitive. I care. Those are my two good things. My two positive things. The two things I know about myself that let me feel good about myself. Why would you try to take them from me?? Why would you turn them into insults? 

"God Hannah, Stop being so sensitive"
"It was just a joke, don't be so sensitive"
"You care too much. Stop"
"Why you do even bother with...(such and such)... you should just give up. Obviously it isn't working" 

I am not going through and telling you how I feel because I want your pity. I am not unhealthy, I don't want to give up on life or the world or anything.. Remember? I care too much to give up trying. I've dreamed about my future too much to not work my butt off to get there.. But.. Seriously? Pay attention. While you may not realize it.. You're cutting down one or two of the only things that I actually feel awesome about. It hurts. You can continue hurting me, and doing it.. but this is my passive-aggressive way of telling you (plural).. It hurts. Stop. Realize how much I care about you.. so much so that I won't just walk away from you when you cut me down. I care too much to hate you or get mad. I just get hurt, and I cry, because I'm sensitive. 

Always,
Me. 

Dear 17 Year Old Me,

You had a lot of high expectations. You set the bar too high for yourself. Do you know that? Do you know how much easier college and the rest of high school would have been if you weren't so focused on trying to be perfect? If you had just paused for one second and realized that you had a problem... life would be a whole lot easier now.

Your fear of matching socks, it's not normal. You'll go see a doctor because you can't sleep from all those nightmares and the socks, and the other fifty irrational fears you have.. and she's going to laugh and call you crazy. But then you'll go see another one, and she'll take you seriously. She'll have your blood tested for thyroid issues, and she'll set you up with a person you can talk to. He'll give you a thousand coping mechanisms... that in four years won't work anymore.

You'll look at that list on your computer screen over and over again, you'll keep trying them but they won't help you. So you'll look for other things, because you don't want to be scared anymore. You'll yell at the boy who keeps trying to come up with options, because you want it to be fine. You want to be fine.

Stop wanting to be fine. Stop being mad  at yourself for the problems in your brain. For the love of everything... don't boycott your obsessive compulsive disorder... because that's just stupid and it sends your anxiety through the roof.

It's stupid. I realize how stupid it is, but everyday I get a little more angry at myself for setting myself up for this whole mess. I stress myself out by signing up for too much, taking on too many projects, and then I melt down. I'm learning that as you get older, as everyone that you used to be comfortable with grows up and move on... there are fewer people you want to melt down to. So.. sometimes I'm THAT person. You know, the one that has a complete mental breakdown at 3AM with no one to listen but my cat. It's embarrassing. Then, I wipe my face and remember that I set myself up for this when I got all crazy about being perfect, not making mistakes, not having to ask for help, not wanting to admit that I'm someone with issues.

Also, everyone has issues. So, we both need to be okay with having issues. It doesn't make us special, it makes us normal. Normal is what everyone wants, right?

Always,
20 Year Old Me.

Jose Luis Sanchez

I know I've made a few posts about this 14 year old boy, Jose Luis Sanchez. The boy who was so devoted to Christ that he endured the torture of the soles of his feet being cut off, walking through the town center, walking behind a horse towards his own grave with his bare feet having just been cut open, being shot, lying in the dirt. The boy who was so devoted to Christ that he would not say "Long live the Mexican Government", he was so devoted, that instead he continually repeated "Viva Cristo Rey". As he was lying in the dirt he drew a cross with his finger and then he died.

Viva Cristo Rey is a daily reminder to me of my call to follow Jesus, my call to be a witness of Christ.

Most people know that I have an acorn tattooed on my ankle as a reminder of what I come from. My last name is Oakes. Oak trees are strong, they are mighty, and they are incredibly beautiful. Oak trees are resilient. They come from little baby acorns. There's also this little plaque in my mom's kitchen that has an oak tree that says "Don't worry if your tasks are small and rewards are few, remember that the mighty oak was once a nut like you."  The acorn is important to me, it reminds me that there's always room to grow, always room to be stronger, try harder, there's always room to be more.. and it also reminds me of my roots. Where I came from, the people who got me to where I am. -- who knew a little acorn could mean so much? 

Now, I have this second tattoo. It's equally as inspiring to me, it is equally as important to me, but even more than that, I am humbled by this saying on my skin. I know that I will never be as strong in my faith as Jose Luis Sanchez was-- but this is a daily reminder to the strength that I can strive for, the confidence in my faith to stand up for what I believe in.  

H.Eilene

Spontaneous Planning..

Tuesday was a day of spontaneity and planning..

First of all: Class. That happened. I went, I learned, and I drove home.

On the way home I had a little chat with my sister regarding whether or not my hair was better long or short, because I have been debating cutting it short for a while--- basically just like every year--- but not wanting to regret my decision or  looking like I am 12.

She wouldn't tell me which was better. She DID tell me that because I wear my hair in a pony ALL THE TIME when it's long, I look more put together with short hair. I style it more when it's short because its as difficult to put it up as it is to do anything else.

So, I called up my other sister and asked if she cared if I went somewhere instead of having her cut it. She didn't AND gave me her best friend's salon's number, I called, and made an appointment for immediately that day.

I drove, she cut, WALAH (I'm not sure how you spell that...)

Short Hair. It happened.


In the midst of all this, Hannah T and I talked about a visit to see her in Duluth. I called Sarah, we agreed next weekend when I have the time off already... and BOOM. We're going. We leave Friday afternoon (Yes, Valentines Day... Sorry JT.)


Always,
H.Eilene


This whole spontaneous and happiness thing... it's kinda awesome.

Snow Day!

Okay, it wasn't a declared snow day.. not by the University. By my patience, it was most definitely a snow day.

I left my home at 7:45AM. I didn't know it was supposed to be a freaking blizzard outside. Nope. I don't have cable TV and I work strange hours. Watching the news (more importantly the weather) isn't something I do. All I cared about was that the app on my phone said it was going to be above zero today... an occasion to be celebrated these days.

Anyways, I get outside and have to dig my car out (a slight exaggeration.... 2 inches of snow had accumulated on my car). Starts up just fine, so I drive towards the ominous hill. Have I mentioned the hill? I don't know if I have. When you leave my apartment complex you have to go up a windy and steep hill. This hill is rarely plowed or salted and has caused MANY near death experiences in the past few months. I am getting ready to make the terrifying drive up the hill when I notice that there are literally cars stopped all the way in front of the hill (on Silver Bell) to the stop light. Not only are they at my hill, but they are backed up further down Silver Bell (towards Blackhawk). HOLY CRAP. Apparently everyone in the world/ Eagan knew that there was supposed to be a snow dumping this morning.

I take the sneaky way out of the neighborhood and head towards I-35E (which was a relief seeing as the cars were all backed up heading towards I-35W) only to find.. NOPE. The roads have not even been plowed at all. There are no plows out. People are idiots and from my on ramp, I could see about 8 cars in the ditch and the other bazillion cars weren't moving.

I got on the highway anyways, because I needed to get to campus. I got to this point by roughly 8:00AM.


I had moved MAYBE two miles by the time it was 9:00. Traffic was not clearing. The snow wasn't stopping. Plows weren't coming to rescue us. NOPE. It was just a dead stop.


I gave up at 9:45, exited (only about 7 miles from my apartment) and went home. By home, I definitely mean my sister's house.

It was a snow day. I did homework when I got home tonight. I feel less guilty.

HannahEilene

BIG Failures and LITTLE failures

Okay, so that whole January resolution to get more organized.. Failed.

Sort of.

The blog part failed. Because WOAH...  SCHOOL STARTED!!!

So, I haven't posted anything about cleaning or organizing my life.. but here's what I have done:

• I did ALL of my laundry and went through my clothes to find things to donate to Goodwill. I came up with 2 bags of clothes.
• I found all of the electronics that are broken or no longer of use to bring to the Recycling Center here in Eagan. 
• My sister and I took our bags and electronics to Goodwill and the Recycling Center to get rid of all of the clutter and extra "stuff" in our homes.
• I cleared out my backpack and went through last semester's papers and handouts and filed the few papers I felt should be saved, and I threw away all the ones that I didn't want to keep anymore.

Not quite as BIG a step as I had hoped to take each day, but for starting classes and having my whole

This is Devo, my cat. She's sticking her tongue out at you,

schedule flip upside down this past week.. I'd say it's pretty okay. 

Today, I cleaned my bookshelves (and reorganized them to accommodate my books from last semester and the ones I am not yet using this semester). You see, the problem with being an English Major, is that there are a lot of books. You're probably reading that sentence and thinking... No shit Hannah. Bravo. I'm not complaining that I have to read a lot, because I love that part of my major. The problem is that when the semester ends, I don't want to get rid of any of my books because I like what I've been reading. So, basically, I have ended up with an entire bookshelf worth of books from classes in addition to the books I own for personal reasons. 

I moved all of the DVDs off of my shelf and put them in a shoe box to clear out space for MORE BOOKS! 

In ten years, I'll be on the TV show Hoarders because I have a book-problem. 

Always, 

H.Eilene

Little Wooden Elephant

I have been reading a lot of blogs lately about minimalist lifestyles. You know, less junk and more efficient storage etc. My goal for the next 30 days is to trim down my stuff and get myself more organized. Every day fort eh next 30 days I will be taking one section of my room/my things and minimizing. The goal is to hopefully have less clutter and more open space.

First step: my desk

I have a ton of random cutesy things on my desk, things that I don't really want to get rid of. So, I probably wont. But, I can clean out the little storage shelf of my desk and maybe find more effective places to put my cute things so they aren't taking up as much space or cluttering my desk.

One of my special things is my little wooden elephant.  I wish it had an epic story behind how I came into possession of it, but it's not an epic tale. I was at the state fair in the International Bazaar right before my second year in Duluth. Elephants have always fascinated me because of their memory capability and their sheer beauty. I bought this little guy because I wanted it to remind me to remember everything. Remember the good, remember the bad, remember it all.

Before pictures:

Magic

Today, my friends, I learned two beautiful things. Both in the form of things I think are magical.

First, I got to spend a large portion of my day with the awesomely-interesting person who is the subject of my first collaborative memoir (for my own version of the Storytelling Project). We met this morning at The Black Sheep Coffeehouse. There, he and I talked for 4 hours about his life, his magic, his experiences with the world, and then some random interview ice-breaker questions (like my personal favorite: What is your favorite color? WHY?).

Anyways, he facilitated an exercise where I had to use my instinct to sort the cards by color (with out actually seeing the colors). When I was thinking about sorting/guessing which was black and red... I was wrong. When I had the deck of cards, face down, and focused on a happy memory and just made piles completely based on instinct... it was very nearly correctly sorted. The ONLY exception is when I thought about negative things for 4 cards of my sorting.

It was amazing. And awesome.

My happy memory:  Sitting in Caribou (from a Starbucks employee... eeeek) with my best friend playing Scrabble. It just filled me with this warmth and happiness remembering how amazing he is and how reuniting with him felt like the most amazing breath of fresh air.

My sad memory/ unhappy thought: The feeling I had when the man held his knife up to my throat. The cold sting of the metal is still crisp in my mind.

Second, this evening I learned how to make music by dancing my fingertip around the rim of a glass. It was so cool. I realize it isn't something that is very special, as most people already know how to do it.. but I felt SO much excitement.


Today, I learned a lot about humility and grace and beauty.
Today, I felt like ME for the first time in weeks, and it was just... amazing. Pure amazing.

H.Eilene

Lost: The Voice of a 20 year old Female

HELP! I've lost my voice and I can't find it! If you find it would you return it to me? Email me or text me and I will give you the return address. 

I have been struggling this week (well, the past four days) at work with the morality of making beverages even though I myself have some sort of disease taking over my voice and the rest of my respiratory system. I promise, I am not breathing while I make the drinks and I wash my hands about every five seconds.. I promise.. if you don't believe me, take a look at my very very dry skin. 

Also, I mean, I don't have a fever anymore, which tells me that this is really just the residual stuff. We had a rule at the daycare when we sent kids home: 24 hours fever free. I promise, I've been fever free for several days now. 

Anyways, I keep getting these disturbed looks when I call out people's drinks in my very very squeaky and sad excuse of a voice.. 

"ANN I HAVE YOUR TRIPLE GRANDE CARAMEL MACCHIATO FOR YOU!" Except, really it sounds like a young boy going through puberty as my voice squeaks its way through the words. 

Ann, and all of my other favorite patrons of the Bux, I'm so very sorry it sounds like someone with the plague is giving you coffee. I promise, I am taking every precaution to avoid spreading germs. 

Always,
H.Eilene